Remembering Niko

The hours after Niko died were full of disbelief. There was some relief in knowing the ‘decision’ was behind us. Then there was second guessing and self doubt. I felt exhausted, but so overcome with emptiness and grief that I could not even sleep.

The day after Niko died, we buried him in the backyard of my parent’s house. We then picked out and planted a weeping cherry tree.

Eleven days after Niko died, my mother’s horse Ti, age 39, died.

Seventeen days after Niko died, a friend was killed in an accident.

Forty seven days after Niko died, I booked my first vacation in 22 months.

Eighty five days after Niko died, we took that first vacation. It was so bittersweet. I felt so free, but so brokenhearted.

I faced a year of firsts… first holidays, first vacations, first birthdays, first anniversaries, without my Niko.

I faced the year anniversary of his death. An entire year without Niko.

Learning to live without the love you have sucks. It does get easier with the passage of time, but it’s never easy knowing they are no longer in this world. There is quite a bit of post traumatic stress to deal with, which may be a surprise to some. I’ve learned to put one foot in front of the other. That is all I can ask myself to do.